


Sperm Web

by DucdOrleans



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, I'm Sorry, M/M, Maybe. Or maybe these characters are just weird, at all, not edited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 06:35:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6041835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DucdOrleans/pseuds/DucdOrleans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fact number 8 on the page '83 Amazing Facts about Spiders' was that 'male spiders weave a small sperm web. They then place a drop of semen on the web, suck it up with their pedipalps, and then use the pedipalp to insert the sperm into the female.' After discovering that a pedipalps was part of the spider's mouth, Wade started to giggle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sperm Web

**Author's Note:**

> I watched a documentary about a zoo and learnt about sperm webs. I am so sorry.
> 
> It's not even technically explicit but I just wanted to be on the safe side.

Fact number 8 on the page '83 Amazing Facts about Spiders' was that 'male spiders weave a small sperm web. They then place a drop of semen on the web, suck it up with their pedipalps, and then use the pedipalp to insert the sperm into the female.' After discovering that a pedipalps was part of the spider's mouth, Wade started to giggle. He'd been looking up cool spider facts to try and woo Peter before Valentine's Day. So far, he'd been unsuccessful. 

Wade pulled the sheet from the printer and set to work cutting out the passage about the sperm web. He planned to leave it somewhere that Peter would definitely find it. After a moment's consideration, he realised that in just a few hours, Peter would come back from school and put on his Spider-Man costume. 

"...Wade? Why can't I see out of my mask? What have you done?" Peter yelled, stomping into the room where Wade lay on the sofa watching TV. Wade didn't respond and Peter huffed, turning his mask inside out for a better look. Inside, was a small piece of paper stapled to the latex. On the paper, read a paragraph about spider mating. It was only when Peter made a noise of confusion that Wade looked up. 

"I was looking at spider facts and I found that one about tarantulas. You have webbing. You have sperm. And you certainly have a mouth. I dare you," he said, smirking. Peter grimaced and shook his head. He carefully pulled out the staples (he'd rather not rip his costume, thank you very much) and dropped the paper onto the table. 

"See you in a few hours, Wade, love you," he said, pulling on his mask and opening the window. 

"Love ya' Spidey, don't die." Wade responded, just before Peter left. 

*** 

Valentine's Day crept up on Peter quicker than he anticipated, leaving him without a gift for Wade. Peter was sitting on the couch whilst Wade was out doing... whatever Deadpool does. He knew he had at least a couple of hours to spare before Wade came home. A couple of hours to find a gift. Looking around the room, the scrap of paper he left there almost a week ago caught his eye. 

***

In the bathroom, Peter carefully builds a small, delicate web no bigger than the palm of his hand. Then, he begins the job of retrieving the sperm. 

Having caught the the desired liquid in his cupped hand, he pours a little bit onto an old My Little Pony toothbrush that he found under the sink. With one hand, he flicks the bristles to spray the liquid evenly across the web. Once he was satisfied with the result, he washed his hands and the toothbrush and put it back where he found it. 

***

Peter walked into the bedroom where he told Wade to wait. He had his mouth practically glued shut by the sticky webbing. He had sperm dripping down his chin. Wade started to giggle. 

"I wasn't- I wasn't serious, Peter!" He choked out between chuckles and gasps. Suddenly, he sat up straight. "To be honest, though, you do look kinda hot like that in your costume. Okay, if you wanna be a spider that bad, I've got just the thing." Wade reached under the bed and pulled out a plastic bag. "I was trying to find a fly costume but the closest I could get on short notice was this," he explained, emptying the bag of its contents. Inside was a pale pink tutu, a pair of glittery wings attached to elastic straps, and a star patterned wand. 

"Build a web in the corner, Peter, please," Fairy-Wade instructed, sitting down on the bed as he watched Peter do so. Once it was finished, he walked over to the web and lay down on it, struggling as if he was a fly caught in a trap. 

When Fairy-Wade deemed himself comfortable enough to be still, he turned to Peter who had at some point removed the webbing over his mouth. 

"Digest me, spider boy."

***

Spider-Men usually subdue their prey by seducing them, sometimes involving the use of webbing. Besides the dominating action of the seduction and webbing, the Spider-Man uses its mouthparts to stimulate digestion. Once the prey begins to produce liquid, the Spider-Man uses its pedipalps to continue digesting its meal. The liquid is then slowly drunk, taken in mostly in liquid form.

***

"Peter, why does my toothbrush taste really weird?"  
"...No reason."  
"Peter, why does my toothbrush taste ...oddly familiar?"

Apparently, the old toothbrush wasn't as old as Peter thought.


End file.
